Written by: Elissa Lauber on July 10, 2023
In this post I will go over ways to find mental health providers for yourself and/or your partner, share resources, share personal stories about how I coped when my twins were in the NICU, etc.
Why You Might Want Help
Of course not everyone who goes through a traumatic experience will want therapy, but I'm a huge advocate for it. Having a baby prematurely and/or a traumatic birth is/are incredibly hard, and you want to make sure you have the resources to cope. I knew the entire time my twins were in the NICU that I was going to want to find a therapist once they were discharged, because this was an incredibly significant life event for myself and my family, and I wanted to be sure the negative parts of my experience didn't control me.
Personal Story: When my twins were in the NICU, I felt like I was suppressing how I was feeling, and that I was just going through the motions every day/night of pumping milk, visiting the NICU, taking care of my eldest son, etc. I obviously felt love for my twins, and stress when they were sick, but it's like my brain was in control and my body was disconnected. Post-NICU, I realized how disconnected my brain and body were when while standing in an outpatient hospital waiting room I heard a "code blue" over the speakers, and medical staff went running past me. I immediately burst into tears, and it took me a few minutes to understand why. For me, I was remembering when my twins would experience Apnea Bradycardia Desaturations (ABDs), and nurses would rush into their room to stimulate one/both of my boys. I hadn't yet processed how the stress of my twins living in the hospital for a few months had affected me.
So, just as I would advise you to see a healthcare provider if you broke your leg, I advise you to see a mental healthcare provider for any trauma you experience. Yes, it can be costly, and yes, it is a significant time investment, but you need to be healthy in order to care for yourself and your family. Actually, let me rephrase it, you deserve to be healthy because you are an important human being.
Find a Therapist
1. Psychology Website
One of the ways I've found therapists in the past is on Psychology Today. What I like about the site is that you can search by type: Therapists, Online Therapy, Psychiatrists, etc. You can also search by other variables such as: Issues, Insurance, Gender, etc. Once you have determined what variables matter to you, you'll be able to read the biographies of the providers who meet the criteria you've selected, and can message the providers you think might be a good fit.
2. Local, State, or National Website
Another way to find a therapist is to search a state-run website, for example, with providers in your area. Utah has the Maternal Mental Health Referral Network (MMHRN) website, where you can search for providers who have had training or are certified in Perinatal Mental Health (PMH-C). Utah's MMHRN website advertises that you can "Find local help for depression and anxiety during pregnancy and postpartum."
Utah also has the Postpartum Support International website with links to helpful resources such as the Postpartum Depression Self-Test, recommended books, and more.
Also, consider viewing the Maternal Mental Health Leadership Alliance (MMHLA) website for information on topics such as: (1) Maternal Mental Health, (2) Black Women, Birthing People, and Maternal Mental Health, and (3) Dads and Depression, (4) The Fourth Trimester, etc.
Note. Below I've attached some of the fact sheets from the MMHLA website.
3. Ask Your Network
The third way to find therapist is by asking your personal network for recommendations. While my twins were in the NICU, a social worker gave me a list of providers in the state of Utah. While I am SO glad I was given a list of providers, I was incredibly overwhelmed by the giant stack of names. Instead, I searched online for providers using phrases like "maternal mental health support" and "post-traumatic stress disorder," which eventually led me to find my therapist.
Personal Story: I've been seeing a therapist for the past 3 years to deal with birth trauma, my twins' medical issues, to work on communication in my marriage, etc. My therapist has a PMH-C certification, which means she has specialized training in perinatal mental health.
Be Kind to Yourself
1. Do Nice Things for Yourself
Personal Story: I knew when my twin boys were born that we would have a several month NICU stay head of us, so I made sure to pace myself. I felt like I needed to do a few things each day: 1. Spend time with my eldest son, who was 20 months when his brothers were born, 2. Sleep as much as I could in between non-stop pumping sessions, and 3. Spend time with each of my twin boys (i.e., skin-to-skin or kangaroo care). As long as I was doing those things, I tried to give myself a lot of grace regarding everything else! More specifically, some of the things I did to give myself a boost was:
Showered/did my hair each day
Treated myself to lunch/snacks whenever I wanted in the hospital cafeteria
Watched movies/shows while pumping throughout the night
Called the NICU before I went to bed each night to get an update on my boys
Note. Some NICUs have webcams, which parents can log on to and watch their babies! If your NICU offers this, consider watching your baby or babies while you pump milk.
2. Skip/Delegate What Doesn't Matter to You
In the NICU, I prioritized what was important to me and skipped the following:
Didn't attend rounds each morning with the doctor because I didn't understand the numbers/medical jargon, and one of the nurses would fill me in whenever I got to the NICU.
Didn't do very many of my twins' "cares," which is when you change their diapers, take their temperatures, etc. During the first few days the boys were in the NICU, one of their nurses told me she would show me how to lift their legs so I wouldn't dislocate anything during cares and I immediately knew I did not want to risk it. Note. Many parents enjoy doing cares, but everyone is different! I didn't, and I wanted to focus on pumping, and doing skin-to-skin with each of my twins each day.
Remember, you only have a finite amount of energy and resources. Spend your time, money, and effort on the things that matter most to you, and don't worry about the rest.
Personal Story: I made sure to visit the NICU each day for 4-5 hours during the day (other than for one 5-day stretch when I got super sick), and during the second half of their NICU stays, I started to go for an additional 1-2 hours at night. I did not worry about being in the NICU every hour of every day. Some parents prefer to be there all the time, and that's fine. I didn't worry about it, and reminded myself each day that this was "bonus time." If the boys had stayed in utero until they were full-term, I wouldn't have had any of this time with them! It helped me shift from an avoidant ("I don't want to miss out on anything!") to an approach mindset ("I get to spend a good amount of time with my boys every day!").
3. Plan Something for the Future
Personal Story: I was really bummed that I wasn't able to do the maternity photos I had planned to have done due to my twins coming so early, but decided to repurpose my maternity photoshoot as a NICU photoshoot. The photographer was awesome and agreed to come to the NICU and take pictures of my boys, me with my boys, their equipment, etc. I treasure these photos, and it's been an amazing gift to be able to show my boys where they lived the first few months of their lives. Additionally, once we knew the boys were about to come home from the NICU, we scheduled traditional "newborn" photos despite being a few months old.
Note. If you are unable to afford photos, please check out the Preemie Prints NICU Photography Program, which connects parents with local photographers at NO charge. This program allows you to schedule family photos any time in the first year your baby or babies is/are born.
Ask for Support from your Social Network
Please reach out to friends and family for support throughout your baby's or babies' NICU stay(s), but only when/if it isn't an additional burden to you. An easy way I found to update our family was to post photos a few times a week on a shared family album (via my phone) with my twins' weights, any milestones they had hit, etc.
Recap
Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself during your baby's or babies' NICU stay(s). You MATTER. The newborn stage is exhausting, and you're dealing with the additional stress of your baby or babies being premature. So rest as much as you can, prioritize what matters most to you and forget/delegate the rest, find ways to treat yourself, and reach out for support from family, friends, and healthcare providers.
If you need help, consider calling the following hotlines:
Postpartum Support International (PSI) HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262)
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the suicide and crisis hotline, call your mental healthcare provider, or have a loved one take you to the emergency room.
Suicide & Crisis Hotline: [Dial] 988